Offering Gratitude

I was reading something the other day (Sanaya Roman's book, Living with Joy), and it reminded me about the power of gratitude, not just in our everyday lives, but the power to change our bodies as well.

To be honest, most of the time my inner self-talk regarding my body is not highly positive, or remotely positive at all. It's more judgmental, berating, putting down. As in:

• I can't believe my stomach is still this big even tho I've lost weight
• I hate my stomach and I wish it would get smaller.
• What is wrong with my digestive system that I keep getting diarrhea?
• My legs are still big too.
• Damnit, I want to wear another size smaller jeans, why can't I?
• My hips are still huge?
• The breast that remains is too big.

And so on... you get the picture.

Anyway, I am playing around with the idea of saying "Thank you" to my body more often. To turn around those damning statements above into comments of appreciation and pleasure. After all, my body is doing FINE work getting me through these chemo treatments, and why shouldn't I be appreciative?

Yesterday afternoon and into the evening, I was experiencing the heavy achiness in my body/muscles all over. Ugh. "Flulike symptoms" is what the chemo brochures all say. Anyway, it usually lasts all through the weekend and doesn't go away entirely until Monday morning.

However, last night on my way to sleep, I said THANK YOUs out loud to my body like this:

• Thank you for getting me safely through 7 chemos.
• Thank you for being strong and healthy.
• Thank you for showing me what to eat and what to not eat.
• Thank you for my strong legs and feet which carry me where I need to go.
• Thank you for processing all the food I put in my mouth.
• Thank you for the healing you produced in me after the mastectomy.
• Thank you that my immune system is strengthening and returning to normal every day.

And so on. You get the picture! It's a brighter, healthier, happier one than the other things I've been saying to my body, that's for sure.

Now here's the thing. Today I woke up and the achiness was completely gone. I just feel a little tired, that's all, which is highly unusual for a Saturday-morning-after-chemo kindof day. So I am expressing gratitude to my body once again.... and I am hoping to make this a continual habit.

My Bodacious Body

Ok, so I've just changed the title of this blog from "Journey to Self-Acceptance" to "My Bodacious Body." Ah. I like the ring of this much better. Of course, I still am on a journey to self-acceptance of my bodacious body, but still... I want this blog to emphasize the physical me, the body I've been given for this physical earth journey.

Right now, checking in, I am pretty happy with my body. I have been through 6 chemo treatments since the end of September and I am in awe of how strong my body is. My intestinal tract and stomach have been having some "wonky" issues (mainly the D word- diarrhea) but I haven't gotten a cold or the flu which means my immune system is still strong and healthy.

My body weight is going down, down, down, although not too quickly. And even though the cost is a wonky stomach, I have to admit that I am pretty happy about this. Like- majorly happy.

When the chemo is over, I am going to have the plastic surgeon at Lahey in Burlington do a sizable reduction of my right breast. Probably in March 2012. None of the 30 lbs. I've lost in the last 18 months has come off of my top half (except for when I had the mastectomy in July!). So I am looking forward to "downsizing" my chest.

Of course I am afraid that when the chemo is over I'll go back to overeating just because I CAN... and put all the lost weight back on again. But maybe not. The more I notice what is going on inside of me emotionally, the more I have control over what I eat or don't eat. The more I take care of myself, love myself unconditionally with radical self-kindness.... the more I don't need to depend on food to keep me company or stuff down difficult feelings.

So, listen up, dear body of mine! I am committed to caring for you, day by day, hour by hour. Thank you for supporting me through these tedious chemo treatments. Thank you for making my heart to beat and my lungs to inhale and exhale. Thank you for processing the food I give you, even when it might not be the best for us. Thank you for my strong legs and arms, and for sturdy feet which move me wherever I want to go. Thank you for my healthy brain which continues to thrive on new ideas and creative passion.

The Chemo Diet

Funny, but I'd forgotten all about this blog! Now, with a bit more time on my hands because of the chemo treatments, I've come back to the Standing Still Experiment blog and the Bright Side of the Road blog AND I've created a few others as well.

So... there's a lot of catching up to do here, eh?

In the last year and a half, I've lost about 25 pounds. Yee-ha! Of course I am delighted about this. I can wear my next size down jeans now and one size smaller underwear. I still have about 20 more to go maybe, before people will really notice.

The interesting thing is that since I've started chemo (end of September), I've lost 6 of those 25 pounds. It is coming off steadily now. And to think the biggest thing I was afraid of when I realized I was going to "do" chemo again was how much weight I would GAIN! Because, back in 2002, when I went thru the chemo and radiation, I GAINED 30 pounds. And frankly, I do not want to GAIN any of it back.

I know you might be thinking that I should maybe be more worried about my LIFE and getting rid of CANCER than fretting over gaining weight. NOT! And I find it interesting to take a step back and notice this myself.

However, let me say something about that. I had a medium-sized tumor in my left breast, secondary angiosarcoma, very rare and only as a result of the radiation I received for breast cancer in 2002. On July 25, 2011, my surgeon removed the tumor (along with what was left of my sadly deformed and bruised left breast). He got "clean and generous margins." Plus, my PET scan was completely clear. The only reason I chose to have chemo is the "just in case" factor. I am pretty certain that there was no cancer left inside of me after the surgery, but I kindof wanted to cover all bases.

So, in light of that, I don't feel like I am "fighting for my life" or anything like that. This is a proactive, precautionary action I am taking just to "be sure." Not that we can ever be sure, exactly, but... you know what I mean?

Anyway, it appears that my stomach gets wonky a few days after a treatment and stays that way for 3-4 days afterwards, during which time I am extremely limited in what I can eat- toast, sugary cereal, chicken soup, eggs, plain chicken, white rice, english muffins, plain bagels, peanut butter, white bread, plain pasta, jello... that is what my "diet" consists of half the time lately.

Not that I am "dieting," mind you. This is simply what my body is asking for. Simple foods, not much fiber, plain, no spices. And I am complying as best I can. It goes against everything I've been learning about food and nutrition and healthy eating, believe me, but I am learning, still, to be gentle with myself, and forgiving and patient and above all, kind....

I know that this is a side effect, for me, of the chemo I am receiving. I know that it will not last, being limited to these simple and light food selections. Come next February when these poisons stop being poured into my body, my body is going to start craving (and be able to tolerate) normal foods again and I'll be able to start walking every day again and I will feel stronger and more "normal" again.

In the meantime, I am just taking this journey one day at a time, giving my body what it needs (which sometimes is only water), and watching the scale go down, one pound at a time.

Gaining Back Control

I have been putting off writing here because I've been feeling off-center and out-of-whack and I've been doing some emotional eating around Mother's Day.

Not just Mother's Day, though. I've also been thrown off-track because on Thursday I fell (in our dining room, of all places) and smashed my knee really hard. Have had to spend lots of time on the couch with my knee up, alternately icing it and smearing it with arnica gel.

This has forced me to slow down TOO much, to the point of not being able to walk Suzy every day. I realize how much I really benefit from those walks, not just physically but mentally and emotionally as well.

Have found myself getting down and somewhat depressed about not being able to control my body, or what has happened to my knee. Let's face it.. my world feels so much bigger and brighter when I am physically active.

I have also discovered this past weekend (Sunday and Monday actually) that I cannot eat the way I used to eat. I used to be able to eat a whole bag of cheetos over the course of 12 hours and not get sick. THIS IS NOT TRUE FOR ME ANYMORE. On Monday night I awoke at 3 a.m. with a really bad case of acid reflux that required lots of ginger tea and Tums and sitting upright for a few hours before I could sleep again.

So my sleeping schedule has also been all messed up this week.

I need to make a covenant with myself and read it daily to remind myself that I can't eat tons of junk anymore. I think it was worse this time because I've been eating fairly healthy and taking care of my digestion for a few months now under the care of my naturopathic doctor, Anne Kelty. And so my stomach had actually gotten used to working properly for a few months, and then I just assaulted it with fried food and cake and cheetos. Ugh. I am feeling sick just thinking about this!

One of my Soul Vows (online class, taught by Janet Conner, who wrote Writing Down Your Soul) is "I treat my body with reverence and respect." Perhaps I need to bring that vow to the forefront of my life for several months until it is automatic.

I feel really guilty because I ate like that for a few days for emotional reasons and that I didn't do the EFT and I didn't do any writing or Cycles (EBT) around these issues. And so it spun more and more out of control.

Another one of my Soul Vows is "I mother myself with unconditional kindness." And this is the one I have been hanging onto for dear life. Because I can't do anything else to gain back control of my eating or my emotions, unless I am offering myself kindness and compassion.

So what does this look like? I looks like this: I am not beating myself up for overeating and not taking care of myself. I am allowing myself to feel sad and angry about it though. I am just allowing myself ALL the feelings, including the feelings around Mother's Day and the feelings around my injured knee. I wish I had done this to begin with, but I didn't, and it's all okay.

It looks like this: I am writing again. I am telling myself things like, "It's okay, dear one. You are learning something from all of this. I love you no matter what. What do you need? What do you want today? How can I serve my body today?"

On Not Ordering Dessert!

A very interesting thing happened last night. We were out to dinner with Jeff's dad and his wife, and some others of Jeff's family. Jeff's dad and his wife live in Florida and only get up to Massachusetts a couple of times a year and we usually have dinner together then. Nothing against Jeff's family, but it's usually boring for me to be there. Even though I am accepted by everyone, I don't feel that "kindred" connection with anyone. It's mostly a social outing and it seems like the older I get, the less impatient I get with social outings. In fact, I've never really thrived on gatherings that are strictly social.

Anyway, usually this means that I eat MORE instead of less, to alleviate the boredom. But last night I did pretty good. I ate bread at the beginning, with real butter, and it was divine. Am really working on getting completely gluten-free but that bread was too tempting!

But this restaurant (Joe's American Bar and Grill) actually had gluten-free pizzas AND gluten-free pasta dishes and I ordered one of the latter and it was amazing!

And when dessert came, I was all set to order this pie with coffee ice cream and almonds and fudge and whipped cream (yum, right???), but when the guy came to take our orders, I just said "Nothing for me."

Wow. What a moment. And it wasn't about judgment or being bad or guilt or shame or punishment or anything like that it. It was simply about the fact that my stomach felt really really full.

That felt SO good. Powerful, even. I am going to reflect on this for a long time!

Staying Awake

One of my Soul Vows (as taught by Janet Conner who wrote Writing Down Your Soul) is that I promise to stay awake. This was made clear to me as soon as I heard this poem by Hafiz, a 14th century Persion poet:

The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell.
Don't go back to sleep
You must ask for what you really want
Don't go back to sleep
People are going back and forth across the doorsill
where the two worlds meet
The door is round and open
Don't go back to sleep

For some reason, when I read this poem in January (2011) as part of one of Janet's online workshops, I was really moved by it. Something inside of me stood up and at attention. I realized that THIS was the reason for the many times I've backslid (ooohhh... is that a word?) out of a mindfulness practice, out of a journaling practice, out of any kind of practice that keeps me centered and focused and balanced and in the moment.

At many, many points in my life, I have been in a creative flow, in a flow of being present, of making healthy eating / caring for my body a priority...etc. Yet I have always GONE BACK TO SLEEP.

For me, what is helping me MOST to "stay awake" is the practice of Deep Soul Writing, as taught by Janet Conner. www.deepsoulwriting.com And also the practice of reciting my Soul Vows every morning (and at other points during the day as necessary).

Yesterday we went car shopping and that took the whole day, as well as grocery shopping. And Saturday was Lissy's birthday party (age 3!) so I haven't been focuses and "awake" a whole lot for a few days here. But I am also practicing self-kindness (another of my Soul Vows) which means I no longer beat myself up when I skip a day of a practice. That is making the hugest difference as well!

Deep Soul Writing + Faster EFT = WOW

On Tuesday I did some Deep Soul Writing, as taught by Janet Conner in her book, Writing Down Your Soul. During that writing, I did a SoulCollage® reading, and two SoulCollage® cards showed up that were speaking to me about vulnerability. See one example to the left.

The boy with the heart behind his back was telling me that he wasn't really sure about putting his love out there in the world, that he was hesitant about giving love. And my Bright Ones asked me who in particular I was holding back my love from and I said JEFF and then they asked me WHY.

Which is when I realized that I was still holding on to a lot of anger towards him for his not helping me with the promotion of Bright Side of the Road in 2009-2010. He'd said he was going to team up with me but he never followed through no matter how many times I asked. Hmmm... I can feel now that I am nowhere near as angry or agitated about this as I was on Tuesday.

So I did about 20 minutes of FasterEFT tapping and it really really changed my inner landscape. It also exhausted me and I didn't go much else for the rest of that day, but still... it was worth it, to have this "baggage" gone.

I started out tapping on the anger and after a few rounds, it turned into sadness, hurt, disappointment so I tapped on that for a while too. It really helped to just name what I was feeling and to give myself permission in my tapping to feel each layer of feeling that came up.

Then I did gradual sets of tappings leading up to actually letting go. Like “When I’m ready to let go of _____, I will let go…” and then “I am beginning to be ready to let go….” And just easing my way into it… “It is good and healthy to let go of these old stories….” And “I am making room for more love by letting go of these old stories and feelings…” Etc.

Fabulous stuff.

Easter Dinner Buffet

I definitely ate more than usual yesterday at dinner at Jan's house. BUT... I ate less than I usually do at these dinners. And I only ate what I really wanted to eat- scalloped potatoes and chicken and the green bean casserole and lots of fresh steamed green beans. Ok, so I had half of one of Keith's chocolate chip cookies with the oreo in the middle. I think that that is what was one thing too many. I was going to bring my meringue cookies so that when I wanted something sweet to eat afterwards, I would have something non fat and non gluten. But there you go. I forgot.

I didn't even want to go. Would have been much happier staying at home and eating more simply. Made a really good red lentil soup on Saturday and would have been happy eating that with some GF crackers. Oh well. As much as I THINK that I will eat less at these family dinners, it just does not seem to happen.

So I am starting to practice mindfulness around not just my eating but everything. And if I can get myself to several points of stillness throughout my days... where I can stop, Stand Still, pause and say "This is me and I am ______" filling in the blank with what I am doing or feeling, then when I actually DO that, I feel whispers and streams of peace flowing over me and infiltrating the old harsh voices.

For instance: pause.... breath in... breath out... this is me writing and feeling happy about writing

or

pause... breath in.... breath out.... this is me feeling angry because my brother-in-law just took over the kitchen when I had things under control (yesterday afternoon)

or

pause... breath in... breath out.... this is me feeling sad becasue our marriage is changing and I didn't want it to change (yesterday morning)

Etc.

When The Stomach Talks...

When I was young, there was a commercial on TV about a stock brokerage company called E.F. Hutton. Remember that? There would be a crowd of people talking and laughing, but when the character in the commercial said "E.F. Hutton says..." everyone would stop what they were doing and lean in to pay attention.

Their slogan was "When E.F. Hutton talks, people listen."

Ah... I am thinking that the same thing might just apply to my stomach. Although the only one who might be interested in listening is ME. And the many parts of me on the inside who have something to say about my relationship with food, and about what I am putting into my body these days.

I was teaching at Kripalu a few months ago, sitting in the silent dining room with a plate full of food in front of me. I love that little room, apart from the main (and very noisy) dining room. I love how peaceful it is and how it really helps me to be in tune with myself. On this particular winter day, as I paused before eating, I distinctly "heard" my stomach say to me "I'm tired of carrying everything by myself."

This was slightly odd as I had never really "heard" any part of my body speak to me before, particularly my stomach! But I honored it, thanked it for letting me know and actually found that I ate less. I began noticing my stomach feeling overly full at many times after a meal, and then I began noticing WHILE I was eating, when it would start to hint at that fullness and I am better able to stop.

I created this SoulCollage® card (see above) to honor my stomach at that stage of my journey. Overly full, crowded with junk...etc. I "hear" my stomach often now. And I am working on the practice of LISTENING to it before and during meal and snack times too. When Anne Marie's stomach talks... her inner committee listens!

A Slow Retreat Morning

Am still on retreat here at Rolling Ridge retreat center in Andover. I did get 8 hours of sleep, which is good for me, and I am still feeling a bit lazy, sleepy, whatever. I think I need to go outside in the brisk new spring air and walk for a bit to ground myself back into my body.

I did eat a bowl of salad last night after writing here. And then I laid on the bed with the new Jodi Picoult novel, reading, while eating a 130 calorie bag of kettlecorn plus some chocolate. It was 8 pm by then I know that if I eat chocolate that late, there's a chance I will be up and not able to sleep. Bingo. I did not get to sleep until after 1:30 even though I was very sleepy and even though I did the insomnia foot rub thing.

It was just so HARD to NOT eat anything while reading that novel. This has been a habit of mine since childhood. I especially remember eating small bags of cheetos (from Gram) while reading books lying on the bed. I wonder what that is about, really. Because I can still remember how good that felt, to do that. Knowing I probably "shouldn't" be doing that. Bad for digestion, too much fat.

At least my lying-on-the-bed-while-reading snacks have gotten (usually) not as caloric. Like, I can eat that 130 calorie bag of popcorn and not freak out because I know it's got hardly any fat, and it tastes AWESOME. But I have to admit, in the light of day, that it is still compulsive eating. Because the salad tasted so good and it was so filling. I know that I really did not need to eat anything else.

I am still full this morning and it is after 11 a.m. I have not eaten anything today and I am going to track my hunger and my relationship with food today as I go about my retreating.

I have been doing some work in the Akashic Reoords this week and I think that if I open the Records before a meal and leave them open for a while afterwards, that that might help me a bit with the relationship with food.

Because I do have a relationship with food. I am overly dependent on food for stress relief and emotional release. And last night I used food to fill some empty spaces in my evening. I must think about this.

But above all, I must be KIND to myself. In addition to pracitcing Standing Still around my mealtimes, I must practice self-compassion. This is one of my Soul Vows (as taught by Janet Conner). Mothering myself with unconditional kindness, love and compassion. Mothering myself. This whole food thing is also about mothering myself. A story for another day. Or maybe later today.

Today's Food

I had a bowl of gluten-free cereal this morning with almond milk and that is all. I ate lightly last night so was actually hungry around 9 a.m. for breakfast. A true breakthrough for me!

And for lunch I took myself to the Indian buffet at the Bollywood Grille. I ate til I was full but I was hungry when I actually sat down and ate so that felt good also.

Now it is almost 7 p.m. and I haven't eaten anything but a lifesaver since 1 p.m. Am wondering if I should eat some of my favorite salad which I brought with me (mixed greens, cranberries, granny smith apples, walnuts, cranberries and blue cheese and chicken) before it gets too late. I am not hungry in my stomach but I am hungry in my body elsewhere. I feel like I could use some energy and nutrition for the rest of the night.

It felt good to not eat all afternoon. Maybe it's the change of scenery. Maybe it's the change of internal scenery, whatever that means! Maybe it's easier to do it here without a lot of to-do lists cluttering up my mind!

Either way, I am grateful for this time apart, to focus on what's going on inside of me, to push the "reset button" on my usual way of being with and around food.

Oh, don't let me kid you. I have dark chocolate bars and chocolate peeps and pretzels and kettle corn and zevia soda as well as Indian food, meringue cookies, the salad and some other snacks with me. I can't seem to break the inner "talk" that says I might be hungry and I don't want to be hungry. Will blog about this another day.

I also know that if I am tempted to eat compulsively this week, I can use Faster EFT as a magic wand to stop a craving in its tracks, to rid myself of the emotional need for the food.

Becoming Who I Am

Healing may not be so much about getting better,
as about letting go of everything that isn’t you-
all of the expectations, all of the beliefs-
and becoming who you are.
---Rachel Naomi Remen

So this is, in essence, what I want this blog to be about... I want to share here exactly what it is that I am letting go of... in order to make room for who I truly am, the inner and outer me.

So I am asking myself these things on this retreat...

1. What is in my life right now that truly is not ME?
2. What old false expectations are still hanging around in my psyche?
3. What ancient beliefs are still in operation inside of me?

4. And... how can I let go of each and every one as soon as I identify it?

I believe that this is deep inner work that takes time and energy, and I am grateful to have the time and energy now to do this work.

I also believe that the best way to let any of this go is through quiet, trusting prayer. I know that I am partnered with angels, with teachers and loved ones both here and on the other side. I know that Jesus walks with me along with many Others. I know that I am not alone. And in this holy knowing, it is safe to let these old bits of me go.

Setting Intention

New blog. First post. No pressure!

I am on retreat at Rolling Ridge for a few days, and am excited about beginning this new blog. It's so much more to me than a "weight loss" blog. Because after years and years and YEARS of trying to figure out how to lose the extra weight that is no longer serving me, I have been able to discern that the weight comes off in direct proportion to the self-kindness I show to myself in the course of my daily life.

So my intention here is to:

1. ... Be totally honest on a DAILY basis with what is happening in regards to my relationship with food
   



2. ... This includes the setbacks as well as the successes and the fear, the anger, the grieving and the joy and the happiness, no matter what
   



3. ... To share insights, quotations, books I've read that are helping me, and people on my journey who are making a difference in how I walk this path of self-acceptance and a new body