Am still on retreat here at Rolling Ridge retreat center in Andover. I did get 8 hours of sleep, which is good for me, and I am still feeling a bit lazy, sleepy, whatever. I think I need to go outside in the brisk new spring air and walk for a bit to ground myself back into my body.
I did eat a bowl of salad last night after writing here. And then I laid on the bed with the new Jodi Picoult novel, reading, while eating a 130 calorie bag of kettlecorn plus some chocolate. It was 8 pm by then I know that if I eat chocolate that late, there's a chance I will be up and not able to sleep. Bingo. I did not get to sleep until after 1:30 even though I was very sleepy and even though I did the insomnia foot rub thing.
It was just so HARD to NOT eat anything while reading that novel. This has been a habit of mine since childhood. I especially remember eating small bags of cheetos (from Gram) while reading books lying on the bed. I wonder what that is about, really. Because I can still remember how good that felt, to do that. Knowing I probably "shouldn't" be doing that. Bad for digestion, too much fat.
At least my lying-on-the-bed-while-reading snacks have gotten (usually) not as caloric. Like, I can eat that 130 calorie bag of popcorn and not freak out because I know it's got hardly any fat, and it tastes AWESOME. But I have to admit, in the light of day, that it is still compulsive eating. Because the salad tasted so good and it was so filling. I know that I really did not need to eat anything else.
I am still full this morning and it is after 11 a.m. I have not eaten anything today and I am going to track my hunger and my relationship with food today as I go about my retreating.
I have been doing some work in the Akashic Reoords this week and I think that if I open the Records before a meal and leave them open for a while afterwards, that that might help me a bit with the relationship with food.
Because I do have a relationship with food. I am overly dependent on food for stress relief and emotional release. And last night I used food to fill some empty spaces in my evening. I must think about this.
But above all, I must be KIND to myself. In addition to pracitcing Standing Still around my mealtimes, I must practice self-compassion. This is one of my Soul Vows (as taught by Janet Conner). Mothering myself with unconditional kindness, love and compassion. Mothering myself. This whole food thing is also about mothering myself. A story for another day. Or maybe later today.
