Deep Soul Writing + Faster EFT = WOW

On Tuesday I did some Deep Soul Writing, as taught by Janet Conner in her book, Writing Down Your Soul. During that writing, I did a SoulCollage® reading, and two SoulCollage® cards showed up that were speaking to me about vulnerability. See one example to the left.

The boy with the heart behind his back was telling me that he wasn't really sure about putting his love out there in the world, that he was hesitant about giving love. And my Bright Ones asked me who in particular I was holding back my love from and I said JEFF and then they asked me WHY.

Which is when I realized that I was still holding on to a lot of anger towards him for his not helping me with the promotion of Bright Side of the Road in 2009-2010. He'd said he was going to team up with me but he never followed through no matter how many times I asked. Hmmm... I can feel now that I am nowhere near as angry or agitated about this as I was on Tuesday.

So I did about 20 minutes of FasterEFT tapping and it really really changed my inner landscape. It also exhausted me and I didn't go much else for the rest of that day, but still... it was worth it, to have this "baggage" gone.

I started out tapping on the anger and after a few rounds, it turned into sadness, hurt, disappointment so I tapped on that for a while too. It really helped to just name what I was feeling and to give myself permission in my tapping to feel each layer of feeling that came up.

Then I did gradual sets of tappings leading up to actually letting go. Like “When I’m ready to let go of _____, I will let go…” and then “I am beginning to be ready to let go….” And just easing my way into it… “It is good and healthy to let go of these old stories….” And “I am making room for more love by letting go of these old stories and feelings…” Etc.

Fabulous stuff.

A Slow Retreat Morning

Am still on retreat here at Rolling Ridge retreat center in Andover. I did get 8 hours of sleep, which is good for me, and I am still feeling a bit lazy, sleepy, whatever. I think I need to go outside in the brisk new spring air and walk for a bit to ground myself back into my body.

I did eat a bowl of salad last night after writing here. And then I laid on the bed with the new Jodi Picoult novel, reading, while eating a 130 calorie bag of kettlecorn plus some chocolate. It was 8 pm by then I know that if I eat chocolate that late, there's a chance I will be up and not able to sleep. Bingo. I did not get to sleep until after 1:30 even though I was very sleepy and even though I did the insomnia foot rub thing.

It was just so HARD to NOT eat anything while reading that novel. This has been a habit of mine since childhood. I especially remember eating small bags of cheetos (from Gram) while reading books lying on the bed. I wonder what that is about, really. Because I can still remember how good that felt, to do that. Knowing I probably "shouldn't" be doing that. Bad for digestion, too much fat.

At least my lying-on-the-bed-while-reading snacks have gotten (usually) not as caloric. Like, I can eat that 130 calorie bag of popcorn and not freak out because I know it's got hardly any fat, and it tastes AWESOME. But I have to admit, in the light of day, that it is still compulsive eating. Because the salad tasted so good and it was so filling. I know that I really did not need to eat anything else.

I am still full this morning and it is after 11 a.m. I have not eaten anything today and I am going to track my hunger and my relationship with food today as I go about my retreating.

I have been doing some work in the Akashic Reoords this week and I think that if I open the Records before a meal and leave them open for a while afterwards, that that might help me a bit with the relationship with food.

Because I do have a relationship with food. I am overly dependent on food for stress relief and emotional release. And last night I used food to fill some empty spaces in my evening. I must think about this.

But above all, I must be KIND to myself. In addition to pracitcing Standing Still around my mealtimes, I must practice self-compassion. This is one of my Soul Vows (as taught by Janet Conner). Mothering myself with unconditional kindness, love and compassion. Mothering myself. This whole food thing is also about mothering myself. A story for another day. Or maybe later today.

Today's Food

I had a bowl of gluten-free cereal this morning with almond milk and that is all. I ate lightly last night so was actually hungry around 9 a.m. for breakfast. A true breakthrough for me!

And for lunch I took myself to the Indian buffet at the Bollywood Grille. I ate til I was full but I was hungry when I actually sat down and ate so that felt good also.

Now it is almost 7 p.m. and I haven't eaten anything but a lifesaver since 1 p.m. Am wondering if I should eat some of my favorite salad which I brought with me (mixed greens, cranberries, granny smith apples, walnuts, cranberries and blue cheese and chicken) before it gets too late. I am not hungry in my stomach but I am hungry in my body elsewhere. I feel like I could use some energy and nutrition for the rest of the night.

It felt good to not eat all afternoon. Maybe it's the change of scenery. Maybe it's the change of internal scenery, whatever that means! Maybe it's easier to do it here without a lot of to-do lists cluttering up my mind!

Either way, I am grateful for this time apart, to focus on what's going on inside of me, to push the "reset button" on my usual way of being with and around food.

Oh, don't let me kid you. I have dark chocolate bars and chocolate peeps and pretzels and kettle corn and zevia soda as well as Indian food, meringue cookies, the salad and some other snacks with me. I can't seem to break the inner "talk" that says I might be hungry and I don't want to be hungry. Will blog about this another day.

I also know that if I am tempted to eat compulsively this week, I can use Faster EFT as a magic wand to stop a craving in its tracks, to rid myself of the emotional need for the food.