Ok, so I've just changed the title of this blog from "Journey to Self-Acceptance" to "My Bodacious Body." Ah. I like the ring of this much better. Of course, I still am on a journey to self-acceptance of my bodacious body, but still... I want this blog to emphasize the physical me, the body I've been given for this physical earth journey.
Right now, checking in, I am pretty happy with my body. I have been through 6 chemo treatments since the end of September and I am in awe of how strong my body is. My intestinal tract and stomach have been having some "wonky" issues (mainly the D word- diarrhea) but I haven't gotten a cold or the flu which means my immune system is still strong and healthy.
My body weight is going down, down, down, although not too quickly. And even though the cost is a wonky stomach, I have to admit that I am pretty happy about this. Like- majorly happy.
When the chemo is over, I am going to have the plastic surgeon at Lahey in Burlington do a sizable reduction of my right breast. Probably in March 2012. None of the 30 lbs. I've lost in the last 18 months has come off of my top half (except for when I had the mastectomy in July!). So I am looking forward to "downsizing" my chest.
Of course I am afraid that when the chemo is over I'll go back to overeating just because I CAN... and put all the lost weight back on again. But maybe not. The more I notice what is going on inside of me emotionally, the more I have control over what I eat or don't eat. The more I take care of myself, love myself unconditionally with radical self-kindness.... the more I don't need to depend on food to keep me company or stuff down difficult feelings.
So, listen up, dear body of mine! I am committed to caring for you, day by day, hour by hour. Thank you for supporting me through these tedious chemo treatments. Thank you for making my heart to beat and my lungs to inhale and exhale. Thank you for processing the food I give you, even when it might not be the best for us. Thank you for my strong legs and arms, and for sturdy feet which move me wherever I want to go. Thank you for my healthy brain which continues to thrive on new ideas and creative passion.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Friday, November 18, 2011
The Chemo Diet
Funny, but I'd forgotten all about this blog! Now, with a bit more time on my hands because of the chemo treatments, I've come back to the Standing Still Experiment blog and the Bright Side of the Road blog AND I've created a few others as well.
So... there's a lot of catching up to do here, eh?
In the last year and a half, I've lost about 25 pounds. Yee-ha! Of course I am delighted about this. I can wear my next size down jeans now and one size smaller underwear. I still have about 20 more to go maybe, before people will really notice.
The interesting thing is that since I've started chemo (end of September), I've lost 6 of those 25 pounds. It is coming off steadily now. And to think the biggest thing I was afraid of when I realized I was going to "do" chemo again was how much weight I would GAIN! Because, back in 2002, when I went thru the chemo and radiation, I GAINED 30 pounds. And frankly, I do not want to GAIN any of it back.
I know you might be thinking that I should maybe be more worried about my LIFE and getting rid of CANCER than fretting over gaining weight. NOT! And I find it interesting to take a step back and notice this myself.
However, let me say something about that. I had a medium-sized tumor in my left breast, secondary angiosarcoma, very rare and only as a result of the radiation I received for breast cancer in 2002. On July 25, 2011, my surgeon removed the tumor (along with what was left of my sadly deformed and bruised left breast). He got "clean and generous margins." Plus, my PET scan was completely clear. The only reason I chose to have chemo is the "just in case" factor. I am pretty certain that there was no cancer left inside of me after the surgery, but I kindof wanted to cover all bases.
So, in light of that, I don't feel like I am "fighting for my life" or anything like that. This is a proactive, precautionary action I am taking just to "be sure." Not that we can ever be sure, exactly, but... you know what I mean?
Anyway, it appears that my stomach gets wonky a few days after a treatment and stays that way for 3-4 days afterwards, during which time I am extremely limited in what I can eat- toast, sugary cereal, chicken soup, eggs, plain chicken, white rice, english muffins, plain bagels, peanut butter, white bread, plain pasta, jello... that is what my "diet" consists of half the time lately.
Not that I am "dieting," mind you. This is simply what my body is asking for. Simple foods, not much fiber, plain, no spices. And I am complying as best I can. It goes against everything I've been learning about food and nutrition and healthy eating, believe me, but I am learning, still, to be gentle with myself, and forgiving and patient and above all, kind....
I know that this is a side effect, for me, of the chemo I am receiving. I know that it will not last, being limited to these simple and light food selections. Come next February when these poisons stop being poured into my body, my body is going to start craving (and be able to tolerate) normal foods again and I'll be able to start walking every day again and I will feel stronger and more "normal" again.
In the meantime, I am just taking this journey one day at a time, giving my body what it needs (which sometimes is only water), and watching the scale go down, one pound at a time.
So... there's a lot of catching up to do here, eh?
In the last year and a half, I've lost about 25 pounds. Yee-ha! Of course I am delighted about this. I can wear my next size down jeans now and one size smaller underwear. I still have about 20 more to go maybe, before people will really notice.
The interesting thing is that since I've started chemo (end of September), I've lost 6 of those 25 pounds. It is coming off steadily now. And to think the biggest thing I was afraid of when I realized I was going to "do" chemo again was how much weight I would GAIN! Because, back in 2002, when I went thru the chemo and radiation, I GAINED 30 pounds. And frankly, I do not want to GAIN any of it back.
I know you might be thinking that I should maybe be more worried about my LIFE and getting rid of CANCER than fretting over gaining weight. NOT! And I find it interesting to take a step back and notice this myself.
However, let me say something about that. I had a medium-sized tumor in my left breast, secondary angiosarcoma, very rare and only as a result of the radiation I received for breast cancer in 2002. On July 25, 2011, my surgeon removed the tumor (along with what was left of my sadly deformed and bruised left breast). He got "clean and generous margins." Plus, my PET scan was completely clear. The only reason I chose to have chemo is the "just in case" factor. I am pretty certain that there was no cancer left inside of me after the surgery, but I kindof wanted to cover all bases.
So, in light of that, I don't feel like I am "fighting for my life" or anything like that. This is a proactive, precautionary action I am taking just to "be sure." Not that we can ever be sure, exactly, but... you know what I mean?
Anyway, it appears that my stomach gets wonky a few days after a treatment and stays that way for 3-4 days afterwards, during which time I am extremely limited in what I can eat- toast, sugary cereal, chicken soup, eggs, plain chicken, white rice, english muffins, plain bagels, peanut butter, white bread, plain pasta, jello... that is what my "diet" consists of half the time lately.
Not that I am "dieting," mind you. This is simply what my body is asking for. Simple foods, not much fiber, plain, no spices. And I am complying as best I can. It goes against everything I've been learning about food and nutrition and healthy eating, believe me, but I am learning, still, to be gentle with myself, and forgiving and patient and above all, kind....
I know that this is a side effect, for me, of the chemo I am receiving. I know that it will not last, being limited to these simple and light food selections. Come next February when these poisons stop being poured into my body, my body is going to start craving (and be able to tolerate) normal foods again and I'll be able to start walking every day again and I will feel stronger and more "normal" again.
In the meantime, I am just taking this journey one day at a time, giving my body what it needs (which sometimes is only water), and watching the scale go down, one pound at a time.
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