Deep Soul Writing + Faster EFT = WOW

On Tuesday I did some Deep Soul Writing, as taught by Janet Conner in her book, Writing Down Your Soul. During that writing, I did a SoulCollage® reading, and two SoulCollage® cards showed up that were speaking to me about vulnerability. See one example to the left.

The boy with the heart behind his back was telling me that he wasn't really sure about putting his love out there in the world, that he was hesitant about giving love. And my Bright Ones asked me who in particular I was holding back my love from and I said JEFF and then they asked me WHY.

Which is when I realized that I was still holding on to a lot of anger towards him for his not helping me with the promotion of Bright Side of the Road in 2009-2010. He'd said he was going to team up with me but he never followed through no matter how many times I asked. Hmmm... I can feel now that I am nowhere near as angry or agitated about this as I was on Tuesday.

So I did about 20 minutes of FasterEFT tapping and it really really changed my inner landscape. It also exhausted me and I didn't go much else for the rest of that day, but still... it was worth it, to have this "baggage" gone.

I started out tapping on the anger and after a few rounds, it turned into sadness, hurt, disappointment so I tapped on that for a while too. It really helped to just name what I was feeling and to give myself permission in my tapping to feel each layer of feeling that came up.

Then I did gradual sets of tappings leading up to actually letting go. Like “When I’m ready to let go of _____, I will let go…” and then “I am beginning to be ready to let go….” And just easing my way into it… “It is good and healthy to let go of these old stories….” And “I am making room for more love by letting go of these old stories and feelings…” Etc.

Fabulous stuff.

Easter Dinner Buffet

I definitely ate more than usual yesterday at dinner at Jan's house. BUT... I ate less than I usually do at these dinners. And I only ate what I really wanted to eat- scalloped potatoes and chicken and the green bean casserole and lots of fresh steamed green beans. Ok, so I had half of one of Keith's chocolate chip cookies with the oreo in the middle. I think that that is what was one thing too many. I was going to bring my meringue cookies so that when I wanted something sweet to eat afterwards, I would have something non fat and non gluten. But there you go. I forgot.

I didn't even want to go. Would have been much happier staying at home and eating more simply. Made a really good red lentil soup on Saturday and would have been happy eating that with some GF crackers. Oh well. As much as I THINK that I will eat less at these family dinners, it just does not seem to happen.

So I am starting to practice mindfulness around not just my eating but everything. And if I can get myself to several points of stillness throughout my days... where I can stop, Stand Still, pause and say "This is me and I am ______" filling in the blank with what I am doing or feeling, then when I actually DO that, I feel whispers and streams of peace flowing over me and infiltrating the old harsh voices.

For instance: pause.... breath in... breath out... this is me writing and feeling happy about writing

or

pause... breath in.... breath out.... this is me feeling angry because my brother-in-law just took over the kitchen when I had things under control (yesterday afternoon)

or

pause... breath in... breath out.... this is me feeling sad becasue our marriage is changing and I didn't want it to change (yesterday morning)

Etc.

When The Stomach Talks...

When I was young, there was a commercial on TV about a stock brokerage company called E.F. Hutton. Remember that? There would be a crowd of people talking and laughing, but when the character in the commercial said "E.F. Hutton says..." everyone would stop what they were doing and lean in to pay attention.

Their slogan was "When E.F. Hutton talks, people listen."

Ah... I am thinking that the same thing might just apply to my stomach. Although the only one who might be interested in listening is ME. And the many parts of me on the inside who have something to say about my relationship with food, and about what I am putting into my body these days.

I was teaching at Kripalu a few months ago, sitting in the silent dining room with a plate full of food in front of me. I love that little room, apart from the main (and very noisy) dining room. I love how peaceful it is and how it really helps me to be in tune with myself. On this particular winter day, as I paused before eating, I distinctly "heard" my stomach say to me "I'm tired of carrying everything by myself."

This was slightly odd as I had never really "heard" any part of my body speak to me before, particularly my stomach! But I honored it, thanked it for letting me know and actually found that I ate less. I began noticing my stomach feeling overly full at many times after a meal, and then I began noticing WHILE I was eating, when it would start to hint at that fullness and I am better able to stop.

I created this SoulCollage® card (see above) to honor my stomach at that stage of my journey. Overly full, crowded with junk...etc. I "hear" my stomach often now. And I am working on the practice of LISTENING to it before and during meal and snack times too. When Anne Marie's stomach talks... her inner committee listens!

A Slow Retreat Morning

Am still on retreat here at Rolling Ridge retreat center in Andover. I did get 8 hours of sleep, which is good for me, and I am still feeling a bit lazy, sleepy, whatever. I think I need to go outside in the brisk new spring air and walk for a bit to ground myself back into my body.

I did eat a bowl of salad last night after writing here. And then I laid on the bed with the new Jodi Picoult novel, reading, while eating a 130 calorie bag of kettlecorn plus some chocolate. It was 8 pm by then I know that if I eat chocolate that late, there's a chance I will be up and not able to sleep. Bingo. I did not get to sleep until after 1:30 even though I was very sleepy and even though I did the insomnia foot rub thing.

It was just so HARD to NOT eat anything while reading that novel. This has been a habit of mine since childhood. I especially remember eating small bags of cheetos (from Gram) while reading books lying on the bed. I wonder what that is about, really. Because I can still remember how good that felt, to do that. Knowing I probably "shouldn't" be doing that. Bad for digestion, too much fat.

At least my lying-on-the-bed-while-reading snacks have gotten (usually) not as caloric. Like, I can eat that 130 calorie bag of popcorn and not freak out because I know it's got hardly any fat, and it tastes AWESOME. But I have to admit, in the light of day, that it is still compulsive eating. Because the salad tasted so good and it was so filling. I know that I really did not need to eat anything else.

I am still full this morning and it is after 11 a.m. I have not eaten anything today and I am going to track my hunger and my relationship with food today as I go about my retreating.

I have been doing some work in the Akashic Reoords this week and I think that if I open the Records before a meal and leave them open for a while afterwards, that that might help me a bit with the relationship with food.

Because I do have a relationship with food. I am overly dependent on food for stress relief and emotional release. And last night I used food to fill some empty spaces in my evening. I must think about this.

But above all, I must be KIND to myself. In addition to pracitcing Standing Still around my mealtimes, I must practice self-compassion. This is one of my Soul Vows (as taught by Janet Conner). Mothering myself with unconditional kindness, love and compassion. Mothering myself. This whole food thing is also about mothering myself. A story for another day. Or maybe later today.

Today's Food

I had a bowl of gluten-free cereal this morning with almond milk and that is all. I ate lightly last night so was actually hungry around 9 a.m. for breakfast. A true breakthrough for me!

And for lunch I took myself to the Indian buffet at the Bollywood Grille. I ate til I was full but I was hungry when I actually sat down and ate so that felt good also.

Now it is almost 7 p.m. and I haven't eaten anything but a lifesaver since 1 p.m. Am wondering if I should eat some of my favorite salad which I brought with me (mixed greens, cranberries, granny smith apples, walnuts, cranberries and blue cheese and chicken) before it gets too late. I am not hungry in my stomach but I am hungry in my body elsewhere. I feel like I could use some energy and nutrition for the rest of the night.

It felt good to not eat all afternoon. Maybe it's the change of scenery. Maybe it's the change of internal scenery, whatever that means! Maybe it's easier to do it here without a lot of to-do lists cluttering up my mind!

Either way, I am grateful for this time apart, to focus on what's going on inside of me, to push the "reset button" on my usual way of being with and around food.

Oh, don't let me kid you. I have dark chocolate bars and chocolate peeps and pretzels and kettle corn and zevia soda as well as Indian food, meringue cookies, the salad and some other snacks with me. I can't seem to break the inner "talk" that says I might be hungry and I don't want to be hungry. Will blog about this another day.

I also know that if I am tempted to eat compulsively this week, I can use Faster EFT as a magic wand to stop a craving in its tracks, to rid myself of the emotional need for the food.

Becoming Who I Am

Healing may not be so much about getting better,
as about letting go of everything that isn’t you-
all of the expectations, all of the beliefs-
and becoming who you are.
---Rachel Naomi Remen

So this is, in essence, what I want this blog to be about... I want to share here exactly what it is that I am letting go of... in order to make room for who I truly am, the inner and outer me.

So I am asking myself these things on this retreat...

1. What is in my life right now that truly is not ME?
2. What old false expectations are still hanging around in my psyche?
3. What ancient beliefs are still in operation inside of me?

4. And... how can I let go of each and every one as soon as I identify it?

I believe that this is deep inner work that takes time and energy, and I am grateful to have the time and energy now to do this work.

I also believe that the best way to let any of this go is through quiet, trusting prayer. I know that I am partnered with angels, with teachers and loved ones both here and on the other side. I know that Jesus walks with me along with many Others. I know that I am not alone. And in this holy knowing, it is safe to let these old bits of me go.

Setting Intention

New blog. First post. No pressure!

I am on retreat at Rolling Ridge for a few days, and am excited about beginning this new blog. It's so much more to me than a "weight loss" blog. Because after years and years and YEARS of trying to figure out how to lose the extra weight that is no longer serving me, I have been able to discern that the weight comes off in direct proportion to the self-kindness I show to myself in the course of my daily life.

So my intention here is to:

1. ... Be totally honest on a DAILY basis with what is happening in regards to my relationship with food
   



2. ... This includes the setbacks as well as the successes and the fear, the anger, the grieving and the joy and the happiness, no matter what
   



3. ... To share insights, quotations, books I've read that are helping me, and people on my journey who are making a difference in how I walk this path of self-acceptance and a new body