Gaining Back Control

I have been putting off writing here because I've been feeling off-center and out-of-whack and I've been doing some emotional eating around Mother's Day.

Not just Mother's Day, though. I've also been thrown off-track because on Thursday I fell (in our dining room, of all places) and smashed my knee really hard. Have had to spend lots of time on the couch with my knee up, alternately icing it and smearing it with arnica gel.

This has forced me to slow down TOO much, to the point of not being able to walk Suzy every day. I realize how much I really benefit from those walks, not just physically but mentally and emotionally as well.

Have found myself getting down and somewhat depressed about not being able to control my body, or what has happened to my knee. Let's face it.. my world feels so much bigger and brighter when I am physically active.

I have also discovered this past weekend (Sunday and Monday actually) that I cannot eat the way I used to eat. I used to be able to eat a whole bag of cheetos over the course of 12 hours and not get sick. THIS IS NOT TRUE FOR ME ANYMORE. On Monday night I awoke at 3 a.m. with a really bad case of acid reflux that required lots of ginger tea and Tums and sitting upright for a few hours before I could sleep again.

So my sleeping schedule has also been all messed up this week.

I need to make a covenant with myself and read it daily to remind myself that I can't eat tons of junk anymore. I think it was worse this time because I've been eating fairly healthy and taking care of my digestion for a few months now under the care of my naturopathic doctor, Anne Kelty. And so my stomach had actually gotten used to working properly for a few months, and then I just assaulted it with fried food and cake and cheetos. Ugh. I am feeling sick just thinking about this!

One of my Soul Vows (online class, taught by Janet Conner, who wrote Writing Down Your Soul) is "I treat my body with reverence and respect." Perhaps I need to bring that vow to the forefront of my life for several months until it is automatic.

I feel really guilty because I ate like that for a few days for emotional reasons and that I didn't do the EFT and I didn't do any writing or Cycles (EBT) around these issues. And so it spun more and more out of control.

Another one of my Soul Vows is "I mother myself with unconditional kindness." And this is the one I have been hanging onto for dear life. Because I can't do anything else to gain back control of my eating or my emotions, unless I am offering myself kindness and compassion.

So what does this look like? I looks like this: I am not beating myself up for overeating and not taking care of myself. I am allowing myself to feel sad and angry about it though. I am just allowing myself ALL the feelings, including the feelings around Mother's Day and the feelings around my injured knee. I wish I had done this to begin with, but I didn't, and it's all okay.

It looks like this: I am writing again. I am telling myself things like, "It's okay, dear one. You are learning something from all of this. I love you no matter what. What do you need? What do you want today? How can I serve my body today?"

On Not Ordering Dessert!

A very interesting thing happened last night. We were out to dinner with Jeff's dad and his wife, and some others of Jeff's family. Jeff's dad and his wife live in Florida and only get up to Massachusetts a couple of times a year and we usually have dinner together then. Nothing against Jeff's family, but it's usually boring for me to be there. Even though I am accepted by everyone, I don't feel that "kindred" connection with anyone. It's mostly a social outing and it seems like the older I get, the less impatient I get with social outings. In fact, I've never really thrived on gatherings that are strictly social.

Anyway, usually this means that I eat MORE instead of less, to alleviate the boredom. But last night I did pretty good. I ate bread at the beginning, with real butter, and it was divine. Am really working on getting completely gluten-free but that bread was too tempting!

But this restaurant (Joe's American Bar and Grill) actually had gluten-free pizzas AND gluten-free pasta dishes and I ordered one of the latter and it was amazing!

And when dessert came, I was all set to order this pie with coffee ice cream and almonds and fudge and whipped cream (yum, right???), but when the guy came to take our orders, I just said "Nothing for me."

Wow. What a moment. And it wasn't about judgment or being bad or guilt or shame or punishment or anything like that it. It was simply about the fact that my stomach felt really really full.

That felt SO good. Powerful, even. I am going to reflect on this for a long time!

Staying Awake

One of my Soul Vows (as taught by Janet Conner who wrote Writing Down Your Soul) is that I promise to stay awake. This was made clear to me as soon as I heard this poem by Hafiz, a 14th century Persion poet:

The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell.
Don't go back to sleep
You must ask for what you really want
Don't go back to sleep
People are going back and forth across the doorsill
where the two worlds meet
The door is round and open
Don't go back to sleep

For some reason, when I read this poem in January (2011) as part of one of Janet's online workshops, I was really moved by it. Something inside of me stood up and at attention. I realized that THIS was the reason for the many times I've backslid (ooohhh... is that a word?) out of a mindfulness practice, out of a journaling practice, out of any kind of practice that keeps me centered and focused and balanced and in the moment.

At many, many points in my life, I have been in a creative flow, in a flow of being present, of making healthy eating / caring for my body a priority...etc. Yet I have always GONE BACK TO SLEEP.

For me, what is helping me MOST to "stay awake" is the practice of Deep Soul Writing, as taught by Janet Conner. www.deepsoulwriting.com And also the practice of reciting my Soul Vows every morning (and at other points during the day as necessary).

Yesterday we went car shopping and that took the whole day, as well as grocery shopping. And Saturday was Lissy's birthday party (age 3!) so I haven't been focuses and "awake" a whole lot for a few days here. But I am also practicing self-kindness (another of my Soul Vows) which means I no longer beat myself up when I skip a day of a practice. That is making the hugest difference as well!